911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
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How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Bruh PLEASE
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
is it earth
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.