I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
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Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.