me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
You Might Also Like
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked