What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
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surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.