I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
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Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
dads on road-trips be like
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”