no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
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My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.