Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
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I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Breaking news:
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Livid.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”