I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
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Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.