I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
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I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”