I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
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<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
What the dentist sees
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
The future is now.