After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
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Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Beware…..
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲