A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
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Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving