when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
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Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Hey i am sexy to you now
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.