A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
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MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.