OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
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I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
what do you want!!!!!!!!
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.