This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
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The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Netflix and you sit over there.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
How to properly lift a body
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.