Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
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We have a winner.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…