I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
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*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.