FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
You Might Also Like
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.