I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
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Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Hitlers gonna hitl
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*