I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
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my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs