Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
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My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Just a friendly reminder!
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.