9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
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If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.