Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
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I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
tis the season