Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
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Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
My dog ate my work from home.