My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
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Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*