Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
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“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Why am I like this?
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.