Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
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“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.