I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
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Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.