Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
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[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)