Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
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bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I just bet a hyena ÂŁ1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week đź‘€
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Phonetics
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.