If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
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[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
i love meeting boys on tinder
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth