You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
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I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*