Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
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My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
I bet birds love this building.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”