Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
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Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”