I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
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Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.