“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
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If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
my sentiments exactly
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Ron is short for Aaronald
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair