Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
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devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Bring back the McRib
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT