Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
You Might Also Like
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Finally! 😈
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪