Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
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I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
When your diet is finally over.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?