I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
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Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.