Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
You Might Also Like
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
me when I see my crush
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.