Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
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well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
“How’s your day going?”
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
TRAIN’S HERE
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.