Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
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been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
I’m not stressed
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
this is me
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call