Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
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Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Godspeed, John Glenn
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.