Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
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her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
are they though??
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
ACED my prostate exam!
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.