Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
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My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.