I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
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Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
the #horror is real!
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
The asteroid..
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.