*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
You Might Also Like
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
God has abandoned us.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’