My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
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[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty